Mentee Musings: Reframing Your Thoughts and Accepting Your Feelings

Dear mentees,

I’m starting this blog and plan to keep at it on a weekly or monthly basis.

Some of the feedback I’ve received from you all has been about how my sharing of my life’s experiences has led you to be more thought provoking about different topics, expanded your views in certain areas, and at times made you feel less alone in the world. I’m hoping that these blog posts can continue to make you feel all or of those things, though whether you read these or not will be totally up to you. My hope is that these blog posts will provide you with a regular cadence for either self-reflection, self-love, or even just some time for something for yourself.

I’ll talk a lot about my personal beliefs and struggles, the beautiful things in life, and a lot of not so beautiful things that exist in the world. But ultimately, I hope that each of these emails will bring some sort of positive addition to your life. It could be something to read during a coffee break, or a small pick-me-up on a slow day. I will try to end each blog post with an easy “challenge” or takeaway for you think about or action upon.

And now – for the actual content!

Today it’s midnight in New York, and I’m up late reflecting on how many of my decisions in my childhood and adulthood, have led me to where I am. What often comes with these thoughts is a reflection on “where I came from”.

Being a first-generation Asian immigrant is not easy. There are many things that go unspoken in our culture, and in our hearts. Possibly the most common of which, is our feelings. Asians are not famous for being physically nor emotionally expressive, and for a long time I struggled and still struggle with my understanding and expressing any of my feelings.

I spend a lot of time feeling bad about myself for not knowing…myself. Most of us didn’t have the stereotypical “happy” childhoods we watched others have from afar (or saw on TV). We didn’t have parents we could confer with on career planning, networking and even personal growth. We often may not have had time nor resources for any hobbies or forms of self-exploration. I spend a lot of time regularly wishing I could just “know what I want” and make a decision. And it has taken me a very long time to realize that my difference is my strength.

While I have often perceived the thoughts above to be negative and time consuming, I want us all to remember that if a glass is half empty, it is also half full. It’s okay for us not to know these things because not knowing things about ourselves, is the product of our unique experience of the world. A lot of that comes from not being able to play and explore as much as a child. A lot of that comes from being different.

Here are some ways I’ve found helpful to positively explore my own thoughts so I can learn more about myself.

Do I really like something or am I just okay with it because I’m used to being okay with things?

-> I am resilient and can tolerate a lot. If I didn’t HAVE to do this task, would I still want to do it?

Do I really not mind doing something or am I just used to taking on more responsibilities than normal, so nothing seems like a big deal anymore?

-> I am resilient, and unafraid to take on more challenges. Am I actually tired and just saying yes out of habit, or is this something I would want to do if I had free time?

Do I enjoy what I do, or have I convinced myself that it is good for me, and therefore, I kind of like it…sort of?

-> I am easy going and learning more about myself every day. I’ll try this activity and if it doesn’t bring me joy, I can always try to think about what I did and did not like about this activity, so I know better next time.

As you see above, I start by reframing my questions from “negative’ to something positive about myself. If you find this hard like I do at times, remember that practice makes permanent. I take these questions and reframe them in a different way to help me understand myself better. As your first challenge for this week, I encourage you all to do the same if you’re feeling unsure on how to answer questions you often ask yourself.

Separately, an important thing I want to talk about today, is one of the things that has been monumental for me when it comes to interacting with myself and others. And that is the notion that it is okay (and usually very normal) to feel whatever the f*** I want to feel.

I grew up with a legally blind, mentally ill, emotionally abusive mother. I feel guilty whenever I say that, as if I should be ashamed of calling my mother what she is. I feel guilty for even typing that. And that’s OKAY. Feeling guilty or bad about something, does not make it less true – and definitely does not make it less relevant.

I feel upset when I think of how poorly the very sexist society we grew up in treated her. My father cheated on my mother, but it was “her fault” for not being a good enough wife – as if one adult’s actions are solely dependent on another’s. I’m upset my relatives didn’t know how to handle the situation. I’m upset that I was 10 and didn’t know how to handle the situation. I’m upset that I’m upset at myself for that because it makes no logical sense to blame my 10-year-old self for anything. Probably something a lot of us immigrants can relate to – being sad or upset that we didn’t know better in the past, even when there was no way we could have known better.

But I’m so touched that at times in my childhood, I did feel so much love though I can’t fully identify why. Yet I’m sad that my parents both grew up in poverty and couldn’t receive the resources they needed that I now have. I’m glad I don’t have to go through the same as they did yet bothered that I feel guilty benefiting from the life my parents intentionally wanted for me. There are so many feelings everywhere.

The (very long but important) point I’m trying to make above is that we have SO MANY feelings, and at times they can contradict each other – and that’s OK. We are so often told how strong we are to be immigrants – successful students, nomads, or leaders in our field, and these things are ALL TRUE. We are strong. But I do not believe it is not acknowledged enough that we are probably just as sensitive as we are strong, and likely because of everything we’ve been through. Usually, we are just as emotional and irrational as everyone else even if we feel like we are not supposed or allowed to be.

Something that is expressed even less is the truth that everything bad we’ve ever felt is okay – including every ill thought we might have had towards the parents who brought us into this world – and every loving thought we might have had towards a stranger. This is partly because at times, our culture will say it is NOT okay to feel “bad” things towards family. Some common things I used to hear growing up were: “You should help your mother even if she’s difficult, because she’s alone”. “Just ignore the rude comments, you know that’s how she is”. “Just do what they’re telling you to avoid problems for everyone”. How the heck are any of those things my fault and my responsibility??? The answer: they’re NOT. How is it for anyone else to tell me what I should and should not do? How is it for anyone in the world other than one’s self to decide what is best for one’s self?

We are not born to obey, and we are not born to follow. We are born to be whatever we want to be, to be able to do whatever we want to do. You are allowed to feel whatever you want to feel and to try to build a life to be whatever you want to be – and however you decide to do that, should be up to YOU. It is YOUR life and no one else’s, even if it can often feel like you must live for someone else.

Unfortunately, living in a very community-based society can cause those around us (at times, even ourselves) to focus on what we perceive as “the greater good” or “the right thing to do”. I’m here to remind you that the individual level is where that all starts – If you do not feel-good doing something and can provide no logical reason as to why this would make any sense for you, then it is likely NOT for the greater good you want to serve. You are in no way obliged to do or not do anything for anyone other than yourself. Strangers take a lot of time to admire and offer advice but not everyone takes the time to understand and empathize. Ignore them and try to listen to how YOU feel.

There are many things I wish I did differently growing up: helped my mother more so she wouldn’t cut herself while cooking because she couldn’t see, taken another job to help with the finances more, or been at home instead of any sleepover just in case an emergency occurs. It has taken me almost 33 years to realize that there is nothing for me to feel guilty about. Why? Because I was a child, trying to have a childhood. Because I am a person, trying to have a life of my own. And most importantly because I am doing the best I can – whether or not that falls short of other’s expectations.

Often, we carry a lot of guilt inside from our generational trauma, current life situations or more. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and there is nothing to feel guilty about. We’re all here to live and these things are part of life. So let’s live.

Remember that this is you too. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Because you were a child, trying to have a childhood. Because you are a person, trying to have a life of your own. Because you are an adult doing the best you can – whether or not that falls short of anyone’s expectations. The only person’s expectations you have to meet are your own.

So, my final challenge for you all this week is to take some time out today to be kind to yourself. Think of something you feel deeply ashamed of and try to see yourself thorough the lens of your best friend or as someone else would: as a human being with a mix of complicated feelings just like each of us.

Use this as your reminder that every sad, self-deprecating, hurtful thought you have ever had is okay. But that’s in the past now and you can change how you feel about yourself and your life from this point onward. You don’t have to delete the past; you can just accept it and accept yourself. And always know that I will be here along the way to help you how I can.

Feel free to share how you felt about these challenges during our next 1 on 1 session, (or not at all if you don’t feel comfortable)

Again – just something thought provoking for you for the week and I hope you all have an awesome one!

Stephanie~